I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.”
― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
When I reflect on what I have experienced and learnt in my short time on earth, there is an undeniable thread that runs through it all which has led me towards coaching and the purpose of helping others to live healthy and happy lives.
Turns out, I have spent much of my own life chasing after good health. Robust, resilient, secure health. Since I was a child, I have experienced intermittent periods of seemingly out of the blue health conditions cropping up and then magically disappearing. I developed autoimmune disease at 8 years old. When I was 18, I experienced a debilitating flare lasting nearly a year, most of which was spent in hospital and which left many scars including chronic kidney disease. My health was fragile. I lived in fear of it rapidly deteriorating at any given moment. I retrained as a Pilates teacher to help others feel better after the amazing effects it had on me. This allowed me to work more flexibly so that I could take care of myself better. But there were other pressures to this and the list of conditions continued to build every year. In 2020 I reached a crisis point again, I could no longer work in any capacity and I became chronically ill.
Being sick all the time sucks. I don’t need to tell you that. I have searched so long for the “why”. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I do what they can? Why is every day a struggle? Why am I so sensitive to everything? Although you can find signposts and some plausible theories, anyone with chronic illness will tell you that eventually you reach a dead end.
“If you desire healing,
let yourself fall ill
let yourself fall ill.”
― Rumi
There is a point in which you have no choice but to yield. From somewhere I found the courage to stop resisting, fighting and denying. When you accept your situation you can start the process of truly healing. Being sick all the time doesn’t just drain you physically, it has profound effects on how you think, behave and perceive the world. Your world gets smaller, the light inside you dims, there is no safety, no day off. There is a feeling of being trapped, gagged and hidden. The sense of where you end and the sickness begins gets blurred. It becomes your identity. As painful and frightening as it was, when I succumbed and entered the black hole that would lead to awakening and healing, everything changed.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.”
- Brene Brown
Admitting I was drowning enabled me to reach for the life rafts rather than helplessly treading water. There was a part of me that felt shame. I worked in health! I thought I was doing all the right things. From the outside I looked like a fit and strong Pilates teacher. Yet what people couldn't see was how terrible I felt when I wasn't putting on a mask to teach and that the physically demanding lifestyle was completely unsustainable. You can have too much of a good thing...I had learned to ignore and numb the physical and emotional pain.
I felt I didn’t deserve help and that I was pathetic. As I write this I cannot bear how unkind I was to myself when I was at my weakest. It took reaching rock bottom to finally accept the support of my husband to stop teaching and to explore alternative treatments, Functional Medicine and Health Coaching. I was extremely fortunate to be able to do this. It baffles me that I had to become incapacitated mentally and physically before I could feel deserving of help. It is hard to put into words the life changing effect this had on me when I started to share my truth, not an edited version where I felt "fine" but warts and all. I was validated and understood. The burden I had carried for many years felt lighter. Hope was restored.
“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together”
- African proverb.
Functional Medicine made sense to me in a way that my conventional treatments never did. My future didn't have to be layer upon layer of medications, further conditions, side effects, flare ups and misery. My illness didn’t have to be a life sentence.
I had the ability to heal, I just had to give my mind and body the right conditions to do so. This involved a complete overhaul of the way I lived which came with its own challenges. Being coached was transformative in how I related to and cared for myself at a time when I felt totally overwhelmed.
My coach listened to me deeply without judgement or agenda. They helped me tap into and harness my strengths, resilience and courage as each week I reflected, planned and explored. I had never experienced the gift of a coaches unwavering attention, expertise and support. It helped me to dream again and to see the good in myself and the world around me. I stopped living in fear and began to step into the person I wanted to be. I wasn't alone anymore.
“The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.”
– Barbara Kingsolver
I live with chronic illness but it doesn’t define who I am or how I show up in the world. I am a strong, happy person that intends to fully participate in life. When I ask myself today why I am enduring this struggle with my health, it is very clear to me it is so that I can serve others. Whether that is through sharing my truth in solidarity or supporting them as a coach to find their agency over the situation they find themselves in. Helping them forge a life that is meaningful and hopeful with greater well-being.
I became a Nutrition Coach with Precision Nutrition and a Functional Health Coach with the Kresser Institute to help you feel in control of your health and destiny. We all have so much more power to change than we realise.
I understand how it feels to live life on half battery (or less!), to spend most of that energy coping with pain, to show up for others whilst never showing up for yourself, to watch the life you had and the person you hoped you would be disintegrate in front of your eyes. I also know that there is hope and meaning in the struggle if you choose to find it. The obstacle is the way. You just need someone to help you see the opportunities and keep moving forward.
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